Techno Robot Pudding

watch me stay awake
creep along the walls
sneering at stability
quaking from fragility

hazy head of heavy hurt
coming into dismal depths
engineer a new regime
of same old same old fluid steam

not knowing where im going
or types of pain that’s showing
hiding in the sounds
of comforts stuck around

here we shift into another
verse or chorus where i see
that i want you or you or you
but as for that one it is through

so then i listen to this message
thrown across me digitally
one of tired frustrated hope
but still i bring myself to mope

don’t talk to me
not here to hear it
i really want to leave
hate how you make this so dumb

i hate myself for feeling bad
but i’m growing out of this remorse
need to shut it up
why do i even give a damn

what i would give
to simply honestly not care
do not understand
why i’m even going there

wish it was simple as a pill
could choke it down just to kill
the tiny thoughts i used to have
hate myself for needing that

my ass is still sticking to the wooden chair. actually, it used to be a bar chair. and a wonderful one that that. salut!

yes. i’ve had a bit much of the beer. but i’m also (somewhat) coherent. for the parts that i am not, there is spell check. for the parts spell check cannot solve, there is…. nothing really.

it has once again been a while since i hath posted an entry on here, and i am debating whether to jump to another site and change formats. it would kill the longevity of my pointless bitching that nobody really reads, but it might inspire a leap in readership. still inconclusive.

i find it funny how i can type with such agility while i am intoxicated. this is fucking diesel. then again, i have always been quite nimble under the influence. just not the right kind of nimble, ya know? *wink wink* [depressing]

i went back and read the same old notes again. and it’s kind of funny. the prose and the timing. the diction and the phrasing. so similar. but i suppose it’s not to be. unfortunate, but whatcha gonna do? i’m not one of those guys. and i never will be. i thought for some reason there’d be this amazing connection. and maybe there could be. but you gotta do what you gotta do. despite my intuition otherwise, i have to let her do her thing. i’m not a clingy person, i don’t ride people for shit, and i’m not paranoid as to what they’re doing. it bugs me, but i realize people need space. i do too. so i’m going to sit back. i guess any initiative from now on is not in my court. i suppose more proactive people would disagree, but that’s not me. you’re free to do what you want. there’s my libertarian side again.

and some people might bug me for dwelling on it. maybe i do. it just bugs me because i thought it was perfect. for once. oh well.

the counting crows hit from the 90s “long december” is on my 90s shuffle mix now. it brings me back to a time where i didn’t know where i was going. come to think of it, it’s not so unfamiliar. good song nonetheless. “it’s been so long since i’ve seen the ocean. guess i should.” yup.

you have no idea where i’m going with this. and that’s fine. this is the longest entry i’ve posted in a while, and it’s fueled by something else. i may regret this later, but i really don’t give a fuck at the time. that’s how it is. beer is delicious in mass amounts when you don’t have to drive. i’m glad i became a beer fan. so many types, so many flavors, it’s all a lot of fun. i’ve debated starting a beer blog. but i’m lazy and have creative spurts at inopportune moments. so i guess not, eh?

i just reread the majority of this post, and for some reason i find it funny. (fuck capitalization, as always.) i’d catalog everything in my head right now- i’m tempted to- but it would be too much. still kinda funny how things can be so clear when your head is not so much….

oh, since i’m saying whatever i want, go to puzzigma. it will succeed this time. i promise not to comment unless it’s awesome. that much talent, it needn’t go to waste. i laughed my balls off when reading it. and i was sober too. i don’t laugh much anymore for some reason, but this got me going.

in a weeks time i will be somewhere else. and i look forward to that. it’s something i’ve needed for a long time. i haven’t gone out into the wild for over a year. it’s been that long, since i work like a bitch. i need to talk to some people about this weekend, really. and get a new cell phone battery. but that’s another matter altogether.

i hope i set myself up to win this last part of the year. it’s tough when you don’t know what the fuck you’re going to do. i had several plans, but i haven’t heard shit from most. i wanna make the progression, honest, but it’s just not in the cards. i feel like i’ve failed, but at the same time, i am helping out- so i guess it balances.

it’s been a trying year. to say it’s been the most difficult year of my life so far would actually be correct.

there was just a doe some 30 feet away. she was eating under the apple tree outside my window. i spooked her out of the place. on one hand i feel bad. one another hand, i feel bad because she does no harm eating the grass instead of our corn. but on the third hand (yes, that makes sense… um..) i have something against the overpopulation of a creature that has hurt myself and my family so much. once again, politicians do nothing. typical.

i thought about going into politics once. then i feared i’d become what i hated- them. them and their sellout mentalities. their ability to take care of themselves and fuck people over. even if i stayed true to me, i worry that i’d end up making enemies in the political spectrum that would really fuck me over. in fact, i’m sure of it.

because you either get along with me or you don’t. i appreciate intelligent, crude, insightful, honest people. and if you find yourself not along those lines, you probably hate me. i find there’s three types of people who deal with me- those who like me, those who hate me, and those who are really fucking confused. the third category often progresses into the second. for that i feel bad. but you can’t win everyone i suppose. despite naive beliefs otherwise.

and so i dunno what else i have to say. this is the longest entry in forever. it might not make sense, but i did not intend for it to make sense. in the rare instance it gives insight, perhaps it will help my causes. for now i will space out and hope that tomorrow comes with a promise of something wonderful. good night, my friends.

The same endless loops and routines that your brain gets stuck in. Like you’re perpetually wedged in between involuntary and insanity because, for some reason, you can’t seem to break free of the things robotically smashed into your brain.

And the superficial shit-eating grins from self-entitled substanceless babies that wreak havoc on the electron interplay known as your television set.

With the continuous echos of whining brought forth from people lacking the foresight to prevent their woes and without insight to help them cease.

Once again the candle flickers in the wind, dancing perilously between the states of being vigorous and not being at all.

To which I can only bear witness.

Woo hoo. Fire up your whoa-is-me mentality and drag your feet through the trenches of the day. When life gives you lemons, make napalm. When life gives you cliches, make novels.

And bask underneath the so-called brilliance of some so-called creative genius who pampers you with bedtime stories of things that will be but never actually delivers on them. When other people have to constantly remind you of their goodness, perhaps it’s just them propping the cardboard cutout up so you can’t see the miserly cheapskate behind the curtain. And while we’re at it, let’s reserve ourselves for the (once again so-called) “high class” forms to further our delusion of what we really are. If I had listened to certain straight-shooters before, maybe I’d have avoided being dragged into this mess.

So I had this dream that I was walking through my high school of all places. And it was with someone I really haven’t talked to in some 6 or 7 years. It was pretty wild. Simple walking and talking, but oh how I wish I could’ve remembered the words. It would’ve been the perfect movie script. Of course the dream ended before anything really interesting. Fucking alarm. Once again, I screw myself over. Now I have to write the ending myself instead of asking the subconscious to do it.

Life is taxing. It’s really a quest to find the nice little parts within all the bullshit that keeps the status quo going. At times I feel bad for those fuckers with tons of money. Because they’re constantly struggling to stay on top, to stay alive, to be number one. A great man once said something along the lines of “I’m not afraid to die, I don’t have any money to part with anyways.” I agree.

Gimme something simple. Play it back.