Techno Robot Pudding

so it’s occurred to me once again that Techno Robot Pudding is providing no “actual content” to the people. well fuck, what did they ever do for me? i demand crullers.

time ticks away. i’ve actually got a few things done. i produced a short sound piece that was quite decent. i’m also probably going to begin shooting for a final project soon. tomorrow i’ll be wrapping up some loose ends on one front. i also may begin work on one of my final papers. the other too, perhaps. the former is around ten pages. the latter is about fifteen. with my topics, i may get close. the former may involve rereading a Vonnegut novel i just reread. the latter may involve watching a famous Monty Python movie, again. funny thing is, it may not be Grail. that’s right: Life of Brian.

work became stressful today. thus, my usual being unproductive was interrupted. total suckage.

my legs hurt. around the shins they particularly ache. perhaps it is my shoes, though my feet do not ache very much. perhaps it’s giving me a preview of spring.

i’ve thrown my hat in for another round as an intern. why not, i figured. i’m comfortable with what i need to do and how to do it. things can only get better, right?

i’m quite glad that i only have to deal with one final exam. i’d rather write essays. at least i can save the essays if they’re good. i enjoy reading my own writing (ya think?).

focus needed. and maybe a theme song. something that moves and is oblique. maybe a little bit jazzy. gotta love jazzy. or just give me a sweet beat and i’ll rant over it.

there’s the sky. i can see it. it’s dark. it’s clear. it’s beautiful. it’s 63 degrees outside in late November. we’re in fuckin trouble, just wait. i have a bad feeling about this. it’s going to rain tomorrow. the day after that, it will snow. it will snow hard, i expect.

cue the instrumental.

don’t read this.

don’t read this.

don’t read this.

he lived beneath a canopy of sweet delusions told to him by his conscience under various guises. the day practicality died, it bequeathed to him a form of eloquence, which unbeknownst to him he already possessed. to create the illusion of intellect, he battered those around him with pretentious diction and form. he would resolve to show flashes of humility, when his ego wasn’t rearing it’s ugly head. the same ego had been inflated by success and reinforcement. ironically the opposite would also have a devastatingly negative effect. such was the way of the cynic. a catch-22, perhaps.

he always wanted what he could not have. he was always wasting his time pining for the things that would stay out of his reach, despite futile attempts to bring them closer. never was a second spent enjoying the present. he spent too much time dreaming to stay awake. and that’s how his grip began to loosen on success. that is how the destructive cycle began. he resolved many a time to shake it, only to be sucked back in.

read this.

life is repetition. he’s trying to climb back out again.

apparently, people have become interested in this little slice of textual purgatory. so much so, that they’ve been kind enough to leave generous comments. how generous? quite. they range from offers for real estate to ED solutions to “HOTTT!!” videos to Tramadol. well, i’ve always been more of a Hydrocodone fan.

listen to music? of course you do. you should read this. it’s about how CDs have been getting louder and louder (dynamically speaking). this means that often times recordings will be distorted and/or heavily clipped because the fellows mixing and mastering were either being silly or being pressured by the artist/label because louder albums “compete better.” sure.

but they sound worse, generally. examples? U2’s How to Dismantle and Atomic Bomb is a good one. heck, Oasis’ What’s The Story Morning Glory is in the books as one of the loudest albums ever. the late Matthew Good Band’s The Audio of Being is also a culprit of clip-heavy mastering. there’s times in some songs particularly where the guitar sounds are somewhat washed out. listen to “Carmelina” and “Anti-Pop” a few times. don’t get me wrong, i love these songs and albums, but in my opinion the mastering could be better.

we need more masters of the master. foo.

no, even i do not know why i am still up. it is one twenty-four in the morning. i came out of a daze to see the ghost of abraham lincoln in my television screen. and my stapler is back over in the other direction, glowing in the dark.

last i remember i was listening to bits of This Binary Universe by BT. it is quite an album. sometimes it makes me cry. i am not embarrassed to admit that. i am only human. color me a sissy. and stay inside the lines, please.

i can’t help but thinking that when we die, our eyes roll into our heads and the final transmission to the brain is static. you know, the fuzz you see when you’re tuned to a blank channel. this is only a thought. i much prefer the notion of some form of consciousness after the bell tolls. it’s more fun anyways.

i think i may buy a cheap photo camera, for the purpose of taking pictures of things. it will allow me to express myself in more ways that nobody cares about. all i need to do now is start painting and writing music; then all the bases will be covered.

painting is not a skill of mine. i’ve always been terrible at it. in elementary school i used to dilute the colors and smear things together. my parents still have a few of my old paintings framed. only one of them might pass as adequate- if i happened to be severely mentally challenged, that is. coloring too. fuck crayons and fuck coloring. i’d rather use photoshop.

i’ll probably be a tired little bitch tomorrow. no matter, i’m only grouchy to the people that piss me off. anyone else will be just fine.

i’ve been meaning to have a nice long talk with my brain. apparently, it likes to go and do things even though i don’t want to do them. it makes me talk in circles. or talk too much. i do not wish to become a novelty. being the center of attention is one thing, as is being articulate. but being bloated with meaningless jabber is not acceptable. they say that those who know very much say very little, and those that say very much know very little. therefore, i am an idiot. i suppose it could be worse. i could be spouting blind political rhetoric.

that’s the other thing. my brain releases these weird chemicals. it does this at certain moments where i’m not entirely sure it should be doing that. i’m not complaining. i’m just confused. i suppose it is the nature of things. sometimes i actually smile. people think that because i don’t often smile i am a grouch and hate everything. well, i am quite sick of the way several things work. but i do not hate everything. i enjoy certain types of baked goods very much.

i dislike it when people tell me to smile. why should i? smiling implies happiness. where is my motivation? give me something to be happy about, and maybe i’ll consider it. hand me some banana bread. sometimes i’ll be told that i look miserable. it’s that old brain again, forcing me to think about all that is wrong. once again, baked goods to the rescue. i find it hard to think about anything else when i’m particularly enjoying eating something.

it is now almost two in the morning. i don’t really have the will to sleep, though i know it would be beneficial. i’m going to have some yogurt to distract my brain into a state of happy eating bliss, such that it will relax and maybe make me fall into the depths of dreams.

sweet dreams are made of this
who am i to disagree?

as i look around it seems to me that i’ve become quite irresponsible for the minor details. aside from the ridiculous procrastination streak, i’m now also losing time due to my inability to follow a schedule. today is one example. tomorrow will probably be another. with all the time spent worrying about how and when things will get done, perhaps i should’ve just gone out and actually accomplished said things instead of talking about them.

i’ve been easily distracted as of late, too. the chance to be a total fool has been too alluring. the chance to empty bottles has kept me from giving a shit.

there’s a certain pleasure derived from all this laxness. in not being prepared, i’m daring myself to fail. so far, the score is tied.

this realization is a product of several other realizations. many of them are things i knew pretty much all along but never acknowledged. some are conclusions that were already defined, observations that i’ve doubted until now.

and thus right in front of me lays a series of choices. the funny thing is that i don’t want to pull the trigger on any of them. i almost want to walk around. that would make it all too easy. karma’s about making shit frustratingly hard.

it’s really a destructive cycle. i have the ability to do something and i search for distractions to prevent it from happening. perhaps i am subconsciously afraid of the future and what it may entail. well, scratch subconsciously.

so really what i’m going to have to do is just discard any worries and trudge right along with the agenda. i should still be mindful of the tricks my mind plays, and avoid letting them throw me backwards. aside from that, it’s all go. hopefully this isn’t another false resolution.

that’s one small step for man, one giant stumbling crash into the wall for mankind.