Techno Robot Pudding

well, i had some kickass seats…. to the choke job of the century.

just…. hmmm… fuck.

i’m going to wake up tomorrow and pretend this didn’t happen.

tomorrow is bills hat day.

or maybe no hat. let’s live dangerously.

the weekend’s looking really good.

both of them.

I think that Procession is my favorite New Order track, next to perhaps Temptation. It starts out with some lo-fi keys and then the infectious toddling bass riff, only to be followed by classic punk drumming and then Barney’s low matter-of-fact vocals.

There seems to be a degree of hopefulness underneath the gloom, like New Order is transitioning from the ashes of Joy Division. There’s the old edge, but with an instrumental arrangement less dark and sparse than before. It reminds me in a way of Dreams Never End, but I like the rhythms better.

The song itself is about loss. They say that some of the early songs were like elegies to Ian Curtis. Reading through the lyrics makes you wonder if this is one of those songs.

If you haven’t heard it, pick up either New Order’s Sustance 1987 disc set or the newer Singles compilation. If you aren’t big on their late 80s-90s dance phase, choose the former over the latter. I’d recommend both.

I try so hard but this attitude’s
A type that won’t subside
No matter what they say
Remember your heart beats you day and night

it had occured to me that sometime in the next x years i will run into someone from my past and they will exclaim “wow, you haven’t really changed at all.” and of course i will inevitably reply “yup.” is it a testiment to my commitment to being myself or an insight into my tedious personality? i prefer the former. but i’m boring enough for it to be the latter.

i think confusion and disorder are rather funny. there’s something oddly appealing when control is tossed up in the air arbitrarily and the heads beneath spin about. it’s especially funny when the heads spin for nothing important.

the simplest shit is the best. it is mind-blowing how people can make a fuss about something when they are unable to deal with the simplest (and often best) solution. when it comes down to it, the simplest path is often the one that gets taken anyway; even after all the nonsense. so why not save time and go with it to begin with?

yes, i’ve made some things more complicated than they need to be. yes, i’m too much of a loser to go the simple route. yes, i like to watch the scenery.

have you ever done something you really didn’t like and forced yourself to laugh and look like you’re enjoying it? i have. i still do stuff like that from time to time. i’ve gotten really good at it. i’m not a liar, i’m just pretending to be happy for the sake of the other parties involved. it’s for their own good.

of course my acting only applies to things that aren’t important. if it is a matter of significant value or if someone i value needs an answer, i’m going to be quite sincere.

i enjoy being vague. because vagueness creates confusion. confusion creates illusions about the ambiguity of control. and even though it may seem control is absent, since i control the confusion i control everything. and i’m a control freak.

now stop reading and bake me some cookies.

well, as i was stuck in the dizzying flurry of bullshit i apparently forgot to do something that would guarantee me a free 200 bucks. previous experience tells me that beating myself up over it will do no good, so i’m going to throw the memory away and ignore the attempts of others to make it resurface.

oh, word of the day.

no, it’s not significant. or symbolic.

i’m drooling over the prospect of buying a video camera. as usual, i’m hesitant to pull the trigger, hoping that a nice deal will make it’s way to me. i missed out on one a few weeks ago, and i’m kicking myself for that.

i can’t remember anything, either. it gives one a feeling of stupidity when their memory won’t work the way it should. of course, other things pile on and things are soon fantastically abysmal.

so really, that’s why i’m apathetic. you can’t spell apathetic without pathetic, this is true. the core priorities are in order. but here’s the irony. the things i do remember make everything seem so boring. i’ve heard the same things over again, learned the same lessons over again, and i purposely trip the wire for sheer entertainment value. and the things that could help change things are overlooked because i involuntarily forget them.

summer hasn’t started and since i think i know what it entails, i’m waiting for it to be over already. each day passes and no coherant building blocks have been made to advance much of anything. sure, people are helped. sure, money is made. sure, chores get finished. but it’s generally the same old shit.

that’s what history is, folks. the same shit over and over. it won’t end. from this perspective, reincarnation is horrifying. you go through the same shit to come back and go through the same shit. or the afterlife. can you change what goes on? a little. but it will eventually turn into the same cycle of shit. yes, it will. that in itself is the most frightening thing about the nature of reality or the theory of another reality. it’s all limited. maybe i can’t wrap my mind around new possibilities, but that’s only because i haven’t thought of them yet.

and here’s the biggest irony. how do you derive pleasure from the same old shit? you start to forget. so there it is; forgetfulness holds you down to a set of possibilities, and to enjoy things you must forget the minute redundancies you remember.

but won’t you feel bad about forgetting things important to you? well, eventually you will forget why they are important. and then you’ll sink into apathy.

so if i take pride in knowing lots of things and ignorance is bliss, i’ve doomed myself to a lesser state of miserable information.

confused? don’t worry, it’s all in your head.

funny how things happen to get done in spite of you trying real hard to get them done anyway.

funny how things can be confusing.

i’m considering turning TRP into a full-fledged website. with fun colors and such. then again, i rarely get around to such things. besides, i should look into actually doing something useful for the cause of certain other causes.

i really need to stop trying to be funny. because that’s when i am at my funniest.

look for something completely deadpan and tongue-in-cheek to come rolling down the mound soon. it will crush several mystical little people. only two will suffer serious injury.

i’m not particularly good at communicating about meaningful things. perhaps my cynicism is a safety blanket which prevents me from feeling vulnerable. perhaps i am and always have been protecting the sensitive being underneath. or perhaps i’m just a really good bullshit artist.

don’t be insulted. i don’t mean most of the things i say.

i mean it.